My Sad Days Playlist

There are so many reasons why music is such an important part of our lives.  Music is how I keep the voices in my head at bay.  I feel like music helps me feel my feelings in a controlled way and it helps me to know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way.  More often than not someone has already said it better than me.  Also I am completely tone deaf and I don’t even like to listen to myself sing.  This playlist has been on repeat for months, it helps me to feel sad and to feel better at the same time.  This playlist is missing two important songs though: Come Tomorrow by Juliet Lloyd – I would have bet money that this is about infertility but she says it about her struggle/decision to become a musician. And When the Rain Comes by Third Day – In my mind Dave sings this to me.  I love him. 

Baby Steps

So I now have three professional opinions on what our next steps should be… and all three are different.  Here is the rundown:

Current RE – At our WTF appt. he was very honest, he basically said that he might have reached the limit of what he thinks he can do for us.  I appreciate that.  He said that he would want us to do PGD if we decided to do another cycle.  We did also ask him what he thought about immune testing and his response was that it really isn’t evidence based medicine but that if our tests came back indicating a potential need for treatment he would consider treatment in consult with another doctor who has more clinical experience. 

First 2nd Opinion – This RE is with SIRM.  Unfortunately he was not my first choice for a RE with them but my first choice is not seeing new patients until August.  I went to SIRM because I know that they have experience with immune issues.  This RE recommended immune and thrombophilia testing, PGD, and an EFT (endometrial function test).  He seemed most interested in the EFT.  He said that he does not necessarily suspect an embryo problem because we are under 35 so some of our blasts should have been good and we’ve transferred 9 so far and got nothing.  He also doesn’t think that immune or thrombophilia is our problem because those issues are generally indicated by actual miscarriage and we’ve never even gotten far enough to miscarry.  But he is willing to try everything to find our problem.

Second 2nd Opinion – This last RE is with RMA.  I wanted to go to RMA because they are big into PGD and they have some of the best SART success rates for both IVF and FET.  So I was totally surprised when this RE didn’t recommend PGD.  He said we could do it if we wanted but like the 1st 2nd opinion he doesn’t think that it is an embryo issue.  He recommended a completely new test, endometrial biopsy, because he thinks I might have endometritis, which is basically inflammation of the endometrium.    

Everytime I think that I know what we are going to do next something changes.  How am I supposed to know what to do?  And to me some of this really sounds like crap.  The endometrial function test I just don’t really get.  It entails a biopsy on the 24th day of a mock FET cycle to see if my endometrium is where it is supposed to be.  How do they know where it is supposed to be?  And if it is not where it is supposed to be how do they think they’ll get it there?  And this endometritis/chronic inflammation – if I have it they try to treat with antibiotics for two weeks and then if it is still there they want to do a D & C and scrape out the basal layer of my endometrium.  That sounds pretty risky to me. 

All I can do is take this one step at a time.  Even though I thought I had made up my mind not to show my vajayjay to someone on the first date; I had the 2nd 2nd opinion take an endo biopsy to send to the pathologist to see if they think I have endometritis.  (Oh and btw it fucking hurt and I cried.)  I’m also going to go ahead and do all the blood work for the immune and thrombophilia testing.  We’ll see how it all comes back and then decide what to do next.

Making Plans

Well once again, and as I suspected, I am not pregnant.  I am really sad again, though.  The beta on Wednesday was negative.  I feel negative.  My problem (well one of my problems) is that I am a daydreamer.  I can’t help it.  I’m a plotter and planner.  I had imagined my belly growing throughout the summer.  Luxuriating by the pool in my maternal glory.  My family pampering me around the holidays.  My child born in winter growing up to be a superstar (re: redshirting story from 60 minutes).  But now that is not going to happen and losing those dreams hurts.  My first thought is always “next time I won’t dream I won’t make plans”, but I know that that is not possible.  When I am sad like this I wish it was.  I wish I was pragmatic.  And as I write this I hope I never stop dreaming.  Infertility has already changed me so much that somedays I don’t recognize myself.  Please, don’t let me stop dreaming and planning and hoping.

Speaking of planning, not to worry, because I made some contingency plans as well.  I’m going to share them here in list form and maybe that will help me to stay motivated and get them done.  I know that having something positive to focus on will keep me from focusing on the negative.

1.)  Shoot for IVF #3 in July. (Maybe with new RE.  Hopefully, will become preggo and get lots of lovely embryos to put on ice for the future.)
2.) Lose 20 lbs. (Instead of basking in maternal glory by the pool I’ll be slathering SPF on my gorgeous bod.  (BTW in some hormone induced craziness I have purchased, via infomercial on TV, both “Insanity” and “Brazilian Butt Lift”.))
3.)  Plant tons of perennials in my garden.  (If anyone has any suggestions on good northeast deer proof plants, let me know.)
4.)  Replace the interior doors in our house.
5.)  Redecorate Decorate our master bedroom.  (We’ve only been living in the house for seven years and it is still a mish mosh.)
6.)  Sand and repaint stairs.
7.)  Install new handrail on the stairs.
8.)  Go visit friend in Bermuda.
9.)  Go visit family in Nebraska.
10.)  Blog about this list. 

Now, my DH would look at this list and tell me I’m setting myself up for failure.  And he is usually right, I have never been good at estimating the time or involvment of projects, but as usual I don’t care, I am a dreamer, and a planner and I am hopeful.

Do you hear what I hear?

So there are voices in my head; they argue for and against POAS, one is an optimist and one is a pessimist, one believes that any information found while trolling the Internet is as good as fact and the other knows that the harsh truth of reality will prevail. I hate them both, one is stupid and the other is mean.  I spend so much time listening to them argue that I’m beginning to worry about my mental health. How many symptoms of schizophrenia or dissociative identity disorder do I check off before I seek help. (This is actually not a joke. It’s scary how many symptoms of these psychotic disorders are similar to the emotional distress that infertility is inflicting in me.)

I have contradictory voices in my head all the time; even without all this IF BS. Should I eat the cheese. Don’t eat the cheese. I can do what I want. I’ll go to the gym. You’re not the boss of me. Etc. Usually I do what feels best in the moment.

So I go ahead and POAS and I go ahead and eat the cheese.

And then I’m just looking at one pink line and brushing cracker crumbs off myself.

MIA

Yes, I have been missing. in. action.  I am in the two week (well 9 day) wait following FET #2.  Our transfer was on Monday and everything went pretty smoothly.  I did not partake in enough water to really fill my bladder but who can blame me; before and after our last transfer I peed like a racehorse and was still so full I broke out in a painful sweat.  I also  must lodge a small complaint that my clinic makes me beg for a valium for the transfer everytime.  I swear, that is one of the littlest pieces of consolation I get in this whole epic journey and I want it!  In fact, I think next time (I hope there is not a next time) I am going to request at least 10 because I have to pay the same co-pay whether it is one or ten.  Don’t get me wrong $10.99 is totally worth it – I just think that that might be a good argument to get a little stockpile going. 

Proven Otherwise

So, once again, not pregnant.  On Wednesday I POAS and got nothing, I didn’t think that I would, so then I was just waiting for Friday’s beta to be the official confirmation of negativity.  This time around I am a lot less devastated and I don’t feel so much like a failure.  This time I am angry and frustrated.  I am angry at what I think were this cycles shortcomings and I am frustrated because I am ready, it is time, it is well past time, and I feel like I am starting to run out of time. 

The hardest part is that I have so little control over the whole process.  There is so much waiting.  Waiting til our WTF appointment.  Waiting til my period starts.  Wondering what our next plan will be.  And I am having so much trouble living the rest of my life because these thoughts and the thoughts of my unfullfilled daydreams just won’t stop.  I really just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate. 

I Feel Neglected

Well I wish there had been a disclaimer at the beginning of this cycle that it/I was going to be fuck-up, depressing, and all around a total failure.  Thank God I only have a week to go because I have already given up. 

I had been pretty good after the transfer up until last night.  I had finally figured out what PUPO meant (pregnant until proven otherwise) and had decided to fully subscribe to that mindset.  Then on Friday I went in for blood work and was told that my progesterone was 4.34.  That is not good.  Its more than not good – its bad.  I started PIO and was busy Friday and Saturday so I doggedly continued thinking PUPO, PUPO. 

Now I am resigned that this cycle isn’t going to work.  I am also angry.  I am angry with my RE.  I like him, I think that he is a very good doctor but I think that either he was “sleeping on the job” or he was patronizing me this cycle.  In either case I am pissed.  In the latter scenario he disagreed with doing a natural cycle but the only reason he gave me when we discussed that route was that the timing was more difficult.  I interpreted that to mean that I would be more difficult to schedule and that they might have to work on the weekend.  I believed that it was worth trying this cycle without pumping me full of synthetic hormones because I thought that we had no reason as of yet to believe that my infertility was caused by hormonal issues.  It was my understanding, though, that as the cycle progressed we would be monitoring my hormone levels and would course correct if issues arose.  On 3/16 my P4 was 3.8 and then the next time they checked was seven days later on the 3/23 and P4 was only 4.34.  And during that week was my ET.  Also during that week I called the office twice; once because I hadn’t been given my instructions for the medication that was ordered for me, including the PIO, and once because I wanted to know if they would check my P4 the day of the transfer (they said that it would be checked the Friday following ET).  Maybe I should be mad at myself for not listening better to my intuition and insisting that they check my levels.  It would seem out of character to me for my RE to have neglected me because I didn’t want to follow his initial recommendation for protocol, but MD’s can definitely be egomaniacs sometimes.  If he isn’t an egomaniac, which I think is most likely true, then he just plain neglected me.  I don’t have the time, money, or emotional fortitude for that sort of behavior.

I am preparing for my WTF conversation because I want to  make sure all lines of communication are open, that we completely understand one another and are on the same page.  I need all hands on deck and everyone’s head in the game.  Until that meeting the only evidence of hope I have is sticking a needle in my butt for the next five days.

Transfer

So our transfer was yesterday and I guess it went well.  I have been having so much anxiety surrounding this cycle I don’t know what the deal is.  The office got back to me regarding the doxy and medrol so I had been taking those, but then I got all freaked out about whether or not my progesterone was good and then I couldn’t remember whether or not we had discussed with the doctor how many we were going to thaw and replace, oh, and I have a cyst.  By Tuesday I was a mess, I called the office and left a message and then I broke down crying hysterically in a parking lot during work. 

I was feeling so down and like it wasn’t going to work that I think I was looking for a reason to call the whole thing off.  I was/am afraid of wasting these precious embryos.  Too late now, by Tuesday afternoon the office had called me back and I felt a little reassured.  So we were all set for our transfer at 12 on Wednesday.  All set until the office called at 10am saying we had been pushed back to 3pm.  Supposedly the embryology lab didn’t get the message that we were doing the transfer and so they weren’t prepared and had to push the time back.  WTF. 

Well at 3 we were all ready.  Three embryos had been thawed but they weren’t pretty anymore.  I guess only 80% of the cells in the better two survived thaw and only 70% of the cells in the third.  So we put all 3 in.  3 at 3.  When I think about that rationally I am freaking out.  I definitely do not want to have triplets.   But I definitely want this to work. 

How I am doing changes moment to moment.  One second I am depressed and I know that this isn’t going to work and then the next I am hopeful.  Circle + Bloom really helps but maybe that is because it puts me right to sleep listening to relaxing, visualization therapy.  Google I think does more harm than good by “answering”, with contradictory information, supplied by anyone and every one from snake oil salesmen to chinese medline published “MDs”, any question that pops into my head. 

At exactly this moment I think that I will try to focus on what I have to do and can do.  Tomorrow I go in for a progesterone check.  Then we’ll go from there.  At this exact moment I will be hopeful.  Worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet is a waste.  I definitely don’t think that any tears shed now, over what might not be in the future, will diminish the pain I feel then, if that even happens.   

Now if only I can remember that the next time I feel low.  Here’s hoping.

FET Update

So this week has been pretty hectic for me.  Monday was CD 13 and I went to have BW every morning this week.  I am not a morning person.  Needless to say, I have been exhausted all week and now I am awake early on the weekend.  The little part of me that likes to hope says “Great!! start transitioning now because when you have your baby in 9 months you’re gonna be getting up early.”  But then the grouchy me slaps the hopeful me around a little. 

So far everything seems to be going well.  On Friday they scheduled my transfer for Wednesday the 21st.  And my beta will be on the Friday the 30th.  In two weeks!!! 

I’m anxious though.  I’m nervous about all of it.  At first I was nervous that my estrogen wouldn’t be good and I wouldn’t have a good lining but it was around 10 on CD13.  Then I was nervous that I wouldn’t surge but my LH was 29 on CD15.  I found an article about the range of levels for hormones when you are trying to get pregnant and I think that everything is going alright.  Now I am nervous about my progesterone levels.  I don’t think that doing a natural cycle is any less stressful.  My progesterone on CD17 was 3.8.  Is that high enough?  My temperature was a little higher this morning, does that mean that my progesterone is still rising? 

In my instructions for transfer they didn’t tell me anything about taking the doxy or medrol that was prescribed, did they forget?  Do they think I’m a crazy person and I won’t take any meds?  Are we doing what is best for this cycle?  I did call the office to see what the deal was with the doxy and medrol.  And I haven’t heard back yet.  The doxy I thought was so that a person wouldn’t get an infection after the retrieval portion and since I didn’t have a retrieval this time around why did they prescribe it?  The medrol, I thought, is a steroid so that a person wouldn’t reject the embryo as foreign; so why didn’t they tell me to take it?  I’m freaking out a bit.  Should I eat some yams?  When do I start eating pineapple?  WTF.  I’m glad I asked for a valium for the transfer and I hope I make it to the 30th without having a nervous breakdown.

yada yada yada

I am, by nurture, a generally private person.  That does not mean that I am not a friendly, outgoing sort.  It just means that I was raised in an “independent woman” style.  Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, keep your chin up, you can do anything sort of mentality.  Because of this I am uncomfortable sharing my problems and talking about painful circumstances.  My normal tactics for dealing with things are to pretend they’re not happening and, or, plow ahead finding solutions and gittin’ er’ done without causing anyone else any trouble.  I think that I act this way for just that reason; I don’t want to worry anyone else. 

Infertility has really thrown my normal coping mechanism for a loop.  Years ago when we started on this journey I let a few close friends and family know what was going on.  I thought it would be better emotionally not to sweep it under the rug.  I think I also thought that it wouldn’t go on for years.  Silly me.

After our last IVF I felt that I was continually letting everyone down.  It makes me sick to think about it.  All these people hoping and praying for us.  And then it doesn’t work.  Logically, I know that it is not specifically my fault but I can’t help internalizing all of the failures.  I know that all the hormones don’t help – but I just feel like a failure. 

This time around I thought ‘I am a strong woman’, this time around I feel wiser and I feel like I understand that it might not work, I feel like it is a numbers game.  So I thought why would I want to share every cycle, why would I want to hear people assure me that it will work when I know it might not, why would I set myself up to let others down?  My initial plan was to just go about my FET business and if all worked out well then I would share the wonderful news and if not then I would plow ahead.

I talked to DH about this and he understood and said he would let his family know, when my friends asked what was going on I told them of my new strategy, and my family (being raised in the same fashion as me) doesn’t ask too much anyway.  I thought I was good to go until two things have blown up this plan. 

First my best friend in the world told me she was pregnant.  I am so happy for her but I am struggling to keep my self-inflicted composure.  This FET cycle has been an emotional tornado so far.  I feel like I have been pulled into the vortex and just keep going down and down.  I am so afraid of falling apart or bringing her down that I told her I couldn’t talk to her for a little while.  I also told her I was writing here again and that maybe this blog would help her understand what I couldn’t or didn’t want to communicate.  What’s ridiculous about this is that by not talking to her I have done exactly what I didn’t want to do; fall apart, bring her down, and share my feelings.  I guess it was all inevitable, I mean I must have been having a minor stroke to think that I wouldn’t need to or want to talk to my BF.  I think that I was just hoping that maybe this will work and in a few short weeks all we would be talking about is our babies.  So much for my pragmatism. 

The second thing to throw a wrench in my plans is dear DH and the In-Laws (out laws).  I love them to death – and sometimes I could kill them.  DH’s family is the complete opposite of mine.  His Jewish mother loves nothing more than to talk about doctors, sickness, depression, and feelings.  His lawyer/accountant father has to figure everything out.  They work as a team, you cannot be vague with them, and you cannot trust your husband to keep his mouth shut. 

Poor DH, I don’t want him to lie to his parents I just want them to recognize boundaries and maybe I want DH to tell them when they are crossing that line.  But I don’t think any of us really know where that line is until it’s already been breached.  FIL is innocent enough, he can’t help asking questions and he keeps asking until it all makes sense.  DH and his dad talk almost daily, they’re friends – which I think is great, but because of this close relationship he knows what is happening in our daily lives. 

For example the other day DH’s dad says what are you doing? 
DH:  I with Kate. 
FIL: What are you guys doing? 
DH: Driving to NJ. 
FIL: What are you doing in NJ? 
DH: Going to the doctors. 
FIL: What doctor? 
DH: uhhhh (cause I am in the car) 
FIL:  Why are you going to the doctor? 
DH: uhhh..Dad I’ll call you later. 

Do you see how this is going?  I think that most people would pick up on the intentional vagueness and leave it alone.  But because of FIL’s vocational training the vagueness spurs him on.  Needless to say they continued their conversation when I wasn’t around but I know about when it occurred because DH came home apologizing for not being more supportive and all of a sudden wanting to know what my hormone levels were. 

Now I know that I am sensitive and a little bit crazy but I think I know how this all happened.  FIL told MIL that we’re going to doctors again.  MIL wants to know how I am doing and is DH being supportive.  FIL talks to DH again and tells him to be supportive and drills him for every bit of info DH has.  This often leads to more questions because DH is a little unsure of everything that is going on and once again the lack of surety incites FIL to ask more questions. 

In the end all of this really pisses me off.  When they meddle DH doesn’t act like himself.  He doesn’t know what the hormone levels mean and I don’t want to tell him just so he can relay it to his father and then the people who this is not happening to can give me advice.  I would love it if DH wanted to know more about the minutiae, but I can tell he doesn’t.  And his parents should stop trying to pump him for information.  I know that they do it out of love but I just want to scream “mind your own business!!” 

I think that a person’s health is a private matter and that it should be up to that individual what and with whom they share.  My in-laws believe that it is all fair game since we are now one big happy family.  This makes me want to ask them about their finances.  (Which I would never do.)  But I am concerned about them and I think that down the road it affects me and I worry about their stress levels related to their finances and their health because of that.  But finances is something they don’t talk about and I think they would be shocked and appalled if I brought it up.  Which makes me think I should because then maybe they would understand how I feel about all their overbearing inquisitiveness.

And now I have gone on long enough.  I am pissed.  I don’t know who to talk to, what to share or not share.  If this goes on much longer I am going to snap.  Why does EVERYTHING relating to IF have to be so f*ing hard?